Useful Advice for Normal(ish) people
Did you know that you have 3 bodies that developed at different times or that who you are as an adult today was largely determined before you were 21?
As part of our first installment of 'Borrowed Knowledge,' a new series, we dive into Michael Brown's, "The Presence Process" and a discussion about the 3 most important phases of our development as well as our 3 'bodies' and how we can use them in our process of integrating the traumas of our past in a healthy way.
Check it out!
I'm really not a fan of the word 'healing'. Why? Using it puts you at a disadvantage that stems from a framing issue. Curious? Check out the video below!
Apple has been in the news a lot lately with unprecedented stock valuations and the more recent launch of the iPhone X. As a company, it has experienced a level of success that leads one to question what it is that makes it so special. What can its trajectory in the stock market and its successful corporate culture and remarkable client loyalty teach us?
As a life coach who works with a lot of finance types, I decided to tackle this question but to do so through a coaching lens to see if I could find anything life related that could be interesting. Lucky for me, I found six life lessons that we can learn from Apple as a company that can prove helpful to those of us running businesses or simply trying to be well balanced humans.
They are:
1. Real value and perceived value aren't the same thing. Focus on the one that matters. At the time of writing this, Apple was the darling of the stock market. Company stock was performing well, trending in the right direction, and market analyst consensus was that the company will continue to outperform the market. Word on the street was buy, buy, buy... Then they decided to announce the launch of the iPhone X and due to a perceived delivery delay Apple stock value actually went down for the first time in a long time. This seemingly unfair dip (after all, the company's second quarter results were better than expected) made me wonder about when Apple stock wasn't doing so well so I did some research.
In July of 2015, Apple grew its revenues by 33%, saw its profits increase by 38%, put away more than $202 billion in cash in the span of three short months — and yet lost more than $60 billion in market value in just three minutes on a fateful Tuesday. Amazing but true. I makes one wonder how that's even possible. Again, another unfair dip.
The answer is quite simple and it lies in expectation.
Most companies would do anything to have a quarter like that. Profit was up 38%, internal performance records were broken, and the company proved once again that it was rock solid. By ordinary standards, Apple was having an amazing quarter. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way because the stock market is a game of perception.
You see, at the time, industry analysts expected more and stock market observers were actually disappointed. Because of this it looks like Apple basically became a victim of its own success.
So how is this relevant to us?
In the stock market the line between a company's real value and its perceived value is blurred due to the fact that the latter eventually ends up influencing and at times outright determining the former. In life, things are unfortunately the same if we allow it.
We permit our 'market' (the opinions of our family and friends, our current and past circumstances, etc.) to influence the way we feel about ourselves to the point where we have trouble separating our real selves from the feedback that we’re receiving based on others' perceptions. Just like it’s possible for a disparity to exist between Apple's real performance/value and its perceived one there can also be one in our lives. To stay sane, we must make sure to pay attention to the one that matters and not let the noise taint the way that we see ourselves.
On that note,
2. If your stock is performing poorly, instead of blaming 'the market' look within and start there. You can't fully control all of your circumstances and you definitely can't control other people. You can, however, control yourself. Focusing on that one controllable is enough. If your current approach isn't working, change your leadership style, restructure, revise your plan, or move into to a different market-- do what you need to do to shift your direction.
Apple did so spectacularly in the late 90's and early 2000's by letting go unsuccessful product lines and by forming an unconventional partnership with former nemesis Microsoft to bring Mac users access to the Office suite of services. Apple changed course and it worked.
3. Always remember that turnarounds are possible. Apple itself had one of the most dramatic turnarounds in stock market history (a 22,003% price increase) when Steve Jobs came back on board at a time when the company was on the brink of bankruptcy. With a string of product hits and clever marketing, Apple became the company that today is the most valuable tech firm in the world, now worth upwards of $800 Billion. If Jobs didn't give up on his creation even though the future looked incredibly bleak for the company, why should you give up on yours?
4. Effective leadership is a crucial component of success. Speaking of Jobs, you can't talk about Apple and ignore the man who helped it become what it is today. You can say many different things about him as a man and even as a leader but there are a couple of things that are indisputable. He knew what Apple stood for, he had a clear vision of where he wanted the company to go, and he was relentless in his pursuit of it.
How would our lives be different if we approached them in that way? If we became the visionary and tenacious CEO's of ourselves and our futures?
5. In the stock market like in life, real success is measured in the long term. Remember the G4 Game Cube? What about Ping? Yup. Me neither. The point? Apple, like every other company in the world, has made a few less than desirable bets. The lesson? They didn't allow those blunders to define them. They cut their losses quickly and kept moving forward and so can you.
Finally, and most importantly,
6. The only asset that we have that will never grow is our time. It's up to us how we make use of it so we should invest it wisely. It took Apple just 13 years to go from nearly bankrupt to the most admired tech company in the world. How did it do it? It remained true to itself but kept innovating and moving forward.
Apple never rests on its laurels after a successful product launch. Why should we?
There you have it. Some practical life lessons courtesy of one of the most interesting companies of our time. Of tomorrow? Who knows. Just ask Nokia.
Regardless, as coach extraordinaire Tony Robbins says, 'success leaves clues’ and after our research, Apple has proven to be fertile ground for valuable advice. Hopefully this will help you put things in perspective and help you have a nice day!
Namasme.
(I chose Her Eyes The Stars as the song for this post because it's a song that always puts me in a thinking mood. Music has a tendency to dictate my mood so I have to be mindful of what I listen to on a daily basis. Lately, classical has dominated the musical landscape over in Namasme land. What are you listening to?)
So, 3 days till my birthday on the 3rd month of 2017 and I’m turning 33. In celebration of that and considering the fact that by my age Jesus had already changed humanity, I felt compelled to take stock of these past 396 months to see what I’ve learned from them and to share those lessons with you.
After all, Jesus left some pretty big shoes for us to fill and I, for one, am aware I fall painfully short on the accomplishment front by comparison. But then again don't we all except for maybe Elon Musk?
After some deliberate thought, I came up with 33 lessons. To be sincere, I'm not sure if any of these is going to be life changing for you but I do know that one or two of these may resonate and make you think about things a little differently... if at least for a short while. So enjoy, have a laugh, and by all means comment if the spirit moves you.
Failure is a mindset. If you frame a situation as a problem rather than an opportunity, you’re limiting what you can create from it. You’ve limited your scope and therefore your possible ‘solutions’.
People are in your life for the amount of time that you’re supposed to teach each other things. If they leave, it’s because you’ve reached the end of your mutual learning or because the lesson they’re meant to teach you will come from your separation.
It’s not about feeling better, It’s about getting better at feeling. The pursuit of happiness for the sake of happiness is very noble but will leave you disappointed if you make happiness the destination and fail to understand that the enjoyment of life lies in the journey.
Be proactive about your personal development when times are good. Waiting for a crisis to change shit is unnecessarily traumatic.
Travel is by far the best education. It offers lessons in context, humility, and freedom.
The least selfish thing that you can do to improve your relationships with others is to keep the focus on you. Worry about what you're bringing to the table and make sure that it is worthy of what you expect in return.
There is no greater personal development project than starting a business….especially on your own.
Anywhere you go, there you are. You can run from everything except yourself so you may as well get to know the person who'll be with you for the rest of your life and learn to like them.
Just because you CAN deal with something doesn’t mean you HAVE to. Remember, you have a limited amount of energy to use every day.
Some people are better to love… from afar. That doesn't mean you don't love them.
When you travel, do support the local economy. Uber and McDonald's don’t need your vacation money and they also prevent you from having an authentic experience.
For a relationship to shift only one person needs to do so. Have things gotten cyclical? Change the approach or your perspective and watch the magic unfold.
Stuff is overrated. (and a pain in the ass if you're a roaming gypsy like yours truly)
Nobody will ever understand you the way you can understand yourself. And even that’s hard. So if you want someone to truly ‘get you,’ get to work. If you're reading this you probably have a couple decades to catch up on.
The cure for anxiety lies in the breath. Yes, even if it means doing it at work, in the bathroom stall by yourself for ten minutes.
As far as creating change is concerned, where you spend your money is far more impactful than what you post on Facebook... Even if you post 50 times about it.
You’re good enough. Duh.
You can 'think' something to death but it isn’t until you actually 'do' it that you'll know if it’s the right thing for you. Unless it can kill you, do it. Just fucking do it.
What you resist persists. Sometimes the best way out of an uncomfortable emotion is through it.
Making someone else responsible for your happiness is unfair to both of you—to them for the unnecessary pressure caused by your expectations and to you because they’ll never measure up to what you have in mind…because, you know, they don’t live there.
Oftentimes even the worst case scenario is still figureoutable and less scary than how it seems initially.
Good advice and validation aren’t the same thing. One you seek with no conditions looking for a fresh perspective, the other you seek because you’re not grounded in your truth. When you approach someone, be honest about what you're asking for.
Sometimes hearing what you don’t want to hear is exactly what you need so learn to listen with humility. Listen to understand and not to respond right away. People will surprise you if you allow them to.
As you evolve, the people you keep close will too.
Get naked. Often. Study yourself. Your body is a miracle. You should accept that and treat it as such. Plus, the more naked you get, the more comfortable you'll be in your skin. The more comfortable you are in your skin, the better sex you'll have. (sorry mom)
Don’t let anybody ‘should’ on you. Now repeat that line quickly and out loud... I'm gonna go out here on a limb and say that the first sentence you read is way worse than the second. (Parents of infants please feel free to step in here and agree with me)
A tired body can't heal a troubled mind. Take some time to eat and rest. What ever it is it can wait.
Wanna know how self-aware you are? Pay attention to how much you judge others.
If you don’t have a clear sense of self, someone will decide who you are for you... and it will make you miserable.
Money is a transfer of energy. Nothing more, nothing less. To make it and be happy you can’t worship it or fear it. You must, however, respect it.
There is nothing wrong with having material desires. Just understand that anything that you want on the material front is symbolic of a deeper need of yours and that it's a need you can source without having to become a prisoner of your stuff.
If nothing else, kindness.
There you have it folks! Hope this proved useful or at least entertaining. Have a wonderful day and don't forget that regardless of what it may feel like sometimes in your life, you're in the driver's seat and change is possible.
Namasme.
***I'm currently in Bali so for this post's song I couldn't help but pick the song I've had on repeat all week every time we get in the car to go somewhere.... Tim Aminov's One Lone Survivor (Geju Remix). Enjoy!***
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances..."
And oh, how right The Bard was. In this day and age though, even if we still have heroes, villains, lovers and everything in between, those entrances and exits are a little less clean cut that what I can imagine good ole' Shakespeare witnessing and scripting in the 1500's... Through social media we're hyper-connected so the community of 'players' we interact with on a daily basis is much larger and infinitely more complex than Shakespeare's.
In fact, as a modern human, you're likely find the following characters or a variation of them in the play that is your life (starting with the antagonists/villains):
The person you gave your all to and it wasn’t enough to keep them interested in a relationship...
That person who still thinks that you’re in love with them even though it’s been years, you’ve moved on, and it couldn’t be further from the truth...
The person who owes you an apology but still hasn't had the courage to ask for your forgiveness...
The person who always needs and gladly takes your help but who is incapable of reciprocity...
The person in your family or group of friends who knows just the right buttons to push to make you feel small...
The person who you feel obligated to keep in your life because you have history even though you feel like you no longer have anything in common with...
That person who makes you feel like life isn’t fair. They’re better looking, more successful, infinitely cooler, and so nice you can't hate them...
That person who has a ‘perfect relationship’ and it reminds you of how imperfect everything is in your own existing relationship or that being single sucks...
That person who has really lived life on their own terms and has had the courage to make moves you never felt capable of making yourself...
The person whose love you feel like you don’t deserve and it makes you feel guilty...
The person who after decimating your heart into a million pieces moved on faster than you did...
The person who you gave your trust to and who violated it more than once...
That person who made you feel like your best wasn’t good enough…In work, in life, in love...
The person who never liked you and you never understood why. You were always nice, you were always open, you were always willing...
That person who you were a shitty friend to and who you desperately miss and wish you could show how much you’ve grown and changed...
The list goes on.
Like I said previously, if you’re the average person, chances are that many of 'these people' exist or have existed in your life. That means that A) you're probably one or more of 'those people' in somebody else's life and B) that 'those people' probably have these same people in their lives too. It helps to remember that.
It also helps to remember that these people are just people. People who are also trying to figure out this thing called life. People who are who they are and whose lives have no bearing on yours unless you allow them to. In fact, whatever meaning they bring to your experience is actually something that you gave them. What do I mean by that?
Well for starters, no, you actually don't hate (insert name here). You hate that when they're around or when you think of them you feel (insert negative emotion). People aren't emotions, they're people. We have a tendency of making them interchangeable and it causes us a lot of unecessary grief.
Please know that these people are in your life for a reason and that reason is to provide contrast and opportunities for growth. The people in your life who trigger negative emotions inside of you are actually just symbolic of something that is actually already happening inside of you. A reminder of an old wound that needs healing or of your over-active inner critic who is actually there to try to protect you.
So what to do? How to manage the presence of these unsavory characters in our life?
Well, if you don’t have to, don’t. Starting in social media land, the 'unfriend' and 'unfollow' features on Facebook come in handy for that. There’s no need to subject ourselves daily to negative triggers if we don’t have to… Especially from people who we don’t really spend time with in person anyway. It's time to give our inner masochistic-online-stalker-selves a rest. Poor things have been on overdrive for quite some time now.
However, seeing as that isn’t the only or even a sensible solution, particularly when some of the people in question are in our families, close groups of friends, etc., it serves us to realize that if we're going to give these folks energy, then that energy should at least be productive.
For example, if 'Mary', who makes you feel insecure makes an appearance in your mind, get curious as to why that is.
Observe your feelings, name them, and try to understand where they really stem from. What is it about this person that makes me feel this way? What do I feel like I’m lacking and how can I source it in my life so that I won’t continue to have this reaction? Is it security? Acceptance? Love? Dig my friend. Dig deep enough and I promise you will find!
If 'Joseph' (guess we're feeling biblical here) serves as a reminder of a part of your past or present that you wish you could re-do or change, then focus on what you can actually do to change it moving forward. Were you a shitty friend to this individual? Forgive yourself and look for the positive things that you learned from that experience/person. The relationship may be unsalvageable but that doesn't mean all is lost.
For example, in this particular case you’ll find that the experience actually taught you that being a good friend is important to you. It also helped you define what friendship really means because it is where you failed. Do you define friendship as words? Actions? Feelings? Knowing that is something that isn’t just useful, it’s something that you can infuse all of your current relationships with and doing so will make you a better human.
Life is too short to live in the past or to fall prey to comparison syndrome. Both will rob you of your happiness faster than you can imagine. Both also require energy which you could be using to build the life you actually want to live.
On that note, if you insist on focusing on others, then why not focus on the 'players' in your life who help you feel empowered, light, and happy, happy, happy? (The heroes or trusty sidekicks if you will)
You know, the person who always leaves you more energized after a conversation on the phone, a quick coffee, or a three hour crying session?
That person who you know will pick you up at the airport no matter what time it is or who will dog sit even though they’re allergic to pets?
That person who you can sit next to for hours and talk, do nothing, read, or just ‘be’ with with no pressure to ‘perform’?
The person who makes you feel like anything is possible. The one who allows you to dream out loud and who actually encourages to follow those dreams?
That person who makes you feel smart? Beautiful? Sexy? Wanted?
The person who asks real questions and who listens with real interest to what you have to say?
That person who inspires you to be a better version of yourself but who always makes you feel like you’re enough just the the way you are?
The person who personifies kindness and who brings it out in you when they’re around?
That person who makes you think a little bit deeper… About life, about work, about love?
That person who gives you a good dose of perspective wrapped in a sandwich of love and carefully crafted advice when you need it most without being righteous or preachy?
That person who will listen to you say things that are so horrible you’re afraid to voice them out loud but who you know won’t judge you for saying them?
The person who is familiar with your shadow side and doesn’t allow anybody, not even you to define yourself by it?
That person who looks at you like you’re magic? The one who at times knows you better than you know yourself and who loves you to the moon and back for it?
Again, the list goes on.
At the end of the day where you spend your energy is entirely up to you. However, I would be totally remiss if I didn't at least encourage you to consider spending your energy on the single most important person in your life. You know, the one you see in the mirror every day when you brush your teeth and get ready to 'adult'.
They’re the best and deserve a little recognition once in a while too.
Don't make me re-send that memo. ;)
Namasme.
(I picked 'La Yugular' by Alex Ferreira y El Frente Caribe as the song for this entry because it is what I'm sure many people wish they had the guts to say to a former lover who did them wrong. It is by all means a happy goodbye full of irony and colorful metaphors. The lyrics are hilarious and very very on point. I promise next post will feature a song in English for those who aren't Spanish speakers!)
I haven't been on a stage professionally in three years. I haven't written a song in 18 months. I haven't been in a recording studio for as long as I can remember and I haven't done anything music-related regularly (other than listen to it) in a very very long time. However, like with all things that are meant to be on your path, music keeps finding its way back to mine and I couldn't be any happier.
For the last three months, I've had the pleasure of witnessing and partaking in some truly magical musical moments. From soulful performances at the Caveau Des Oubliettes with strangers to impromptu karaoke in front of the opera house and random freestyling by the river Seine, the magic of music keeps enriching my Parisian experience more and more often and in a way I've never felt before.
So why were these moments different? Why do they feel unique and stand out in my memory more than most formal concerts I ever did? Why do I feel infinitely more inspired today than I ever did when I was recording an album and working on television? I think the answer is abundantly clear. None of those things were planned and all of them were 100% authentic.
ALL of them were born out of the deep love for music the people involved shared and the joy we all expressed while performing together. There were no expectations. There were no rehearsals. All there was was a desire to play and a desire to share. The rest was unscripted and it was wonderful.
You'd think I'd leave it at that but being the humanity geek that I am, I had to dig deeper and find the reason why those moments were so wonderful. To my surprise, the things that make an impromptu music experience or a jam session good, are exactly the same ones that make life worth living. Check them out for yourself and see if you agree:
Be present: The beauty of a good jam session lies in the improvisation created by the chemistry between participants. In order to make magic, you must be fully present. Only then will you be able to understand each of your collaborators' energy and be able to flow with it. Energy, is like rhythm. Infectious. If you're not tuned in, you'll fall behind the music like a German tourist dancing reggaeton in the Caribbean. For anything to be truly satisfying in life, you must be present to enjoy it.
Be flexible: Nobody likes to jam with people who are too rigid or structured to the point where they make experimentation impossible. More often than not when you're jamming, a song that starts off sounding like something recognizable will end up being a surprise.
Some of the best moments in music come from moments where somebody in the band just takes off in a different direction because their muse pays them a visit. Call it inspiration, call it curiosity, call it testing the limits of the self. Whatever it is it needs to be integrated by the rest of group in the quickest and smoothest way possible in order to avoid any dissonance. This places a premium on flexibility. In life, like in music, being flexible is a great advantage because it makes you less vulnerable to your circumstances and environment.
Take risks: Jam sessions are largely enjoyable because they carry none of the expectations that shows do. There won't be a group of disappointed people if you perform poorly and nobody paid to get in. In essence, you don't owe anybody anything and that should feel damn good.
That said, with the elimination of expectations comes a freedom that should be taken advantage of, the freedom to risk! Because of that, jam sessions are the perfect opportunity to go out on a limb, to experiment, to 'screw up'. All jam sessions have a beginning, a middle, and an end and all lives do as well. What matters most in the end is how much you enjoyed the experience. If you risk nothing, you're likely to get a mediocre result. Are you ok with that?
Make room for others / Recognize its a group journey: Writing and playing on your own can be a lot of fun. That's true, and fine, and dandy. In my opinion it's not a true jam session unless you've got other's to play with though. On your own you miss out on so much of the growth and fun found in collaboration!
With that said and considering the previous pillar, it's important to note that for it to be a true collaboration everyone deserves their time in the sun so play nice and share the benefits of the spotlight if it lands on you. Nobody likes a microphone hog or a never-ending guitar solo unless you're Jimmy Page and you're playing Stairway to Heaven. Giving is oftentimes more satisfying than receiving.
Play on: Played the wrong chord or sang off key? Play on. Your friend screwed up a transition into another chord progression? Don’t sweat. Nobody likes to play with the guy who feels the need to correct everyone or stops playing when he makes a mistake. A good jam session stops for no one until the whole group is on board. Just imagine if we were to stop playing every time someone made a mistake with the music... The vibe, the chemistry, the magic(!) would be very hard to replicate and rebuild. In a jam session, as in life, the pursuit of absolute perfection is the enemy of fun and most importantly, impossible to achieve. Keep going.
Pick a good band: In a good jam session, as in life, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who understand that we are incredibly lucky just to be here. Look for people that practice the pillars we're describing here. Look for people with similar interests but also different outlooks to challenge yours. Look and surround yourself by better musicians and singers, you will only grow from the experience. You don't have to know each other to play well together. All you really have to do is come into the experience with a shared respect for each other and the desire to create and have fun. The rest is gravy. Now if I only knew that in high school...
Take a minute to take it all in and be grateful: The last but perhaps most important of the pillars in my opinion. Why? Gratitude invites more things to be grateful for in your life. By taking a moment to reflect and enjoy, you create a rose-colored filter through which you will see the world. The fact that you’re reading this means you’re alive and breathing. That alone is something to be grateful for. Why not start there and make a list? It may surprise you how long it is!
There you have them, I hope they prove useful to you.
It's been said that 'music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole and flows from the heaven into the soul'. I couldn't agree more. Music has been a key component of my journey into adulthood and into myself. Music is an integral part of who I am and will continue to be so in the future.
Moments like the ones I described at the beginning of this piece are what keep me curious and free-spirited. They teach me things about myself and life that I'm more than happy and honored to share with you. The more energy I devote to them, the sweeter they feel because they remind me of what really matters.
With that my friend, I ask you...
What is your 'music'?
What's the thing that offers you perspective in a unique way and connects you with life, others, and yourself? Whatever it is, give it your attention. It's bound to be rewarding. If the spirit moves you, write us and tell us what that is! We'd love to know.
Namasme.
(Cyrille Aimee is an extraordinary musician and singer whom I have much in common with (musicians, influences, performance style) but have never had the opportunity to meet. She learned many of her improvisation skills from Gustavo Rodriguez, a brilliant pianist who taught me a lot about Jazz and who I had the opportunity to sing with on more than occasion. Nuit Blanche is a beautiful example of what being present can create as she performs the whole song just her voice and a loop pedal.
